Having said about all I can about the wonderful trip that Harry and Robert and I took to the UK, it is time to get back down to business and the reason for creating this blog in the first place. It is time to get back to my Retirement Project.
It has been 2 months since my last day at East Middle School, where I worked for the past 12 years. The moment of final departure was surreal--like a cast member walking off the set of a television show, closing down after a long run. I'd gotten everything in order and said all of my goodbyes over the summer, but at 5:00 o'clock on July 29, I picked up my purse, turned out the lights, closed the door to my office, headed to the parking lot, got in my car, and drove off like I had done 2,880 times before. The only difference was that I knew I would never be going back--at least in the same capacity.
The feeling was, and continues to be one of both liberation and loss. Freed from the mooring of a 5 day, 40-plus hour work week, I have set myself adrift in a vast sea of possibility and am bobbing about in search of another port in which to dock. Along with the exhilaration of realizing that I have absolute choice over how I fill my days, there is also a sense of disorientation and loss of direction.
It's not that I don't have plenty to keep me busy in the immediate present. I have a back log of projects and to-do lists here at home that have been stacking up for years. I'm sticking to a regular schedule on weekdays. I'm up at 6:30, to exercise and see Bill off to work by 7:00. I read the paper and do a bit of writing and blogging, before tidying up the house and myself, and getting busy on the project du jour, which is currently cleaning, organizing, and refurbishing our bedroom, as well as renovating the master bathroom. In the late afternoon, I get dinner started, run errands or go out for a swim, and do some reading before Bill comes home. It's really fun to be able to devote extended hours getting caught up on the various projects I've been planning but not having the time or energy to complete for so long now. And if I get interrupted by a call from one of the children to help with a sick grandchild or Robert drops in to read me a draft of a paper or sermon he's working on, oh, well, I can just walk away and leave things until later.
Still, I can't deny that my new and liberated lifestyle brings moments of loneliness and isolation.
I miss the daily contacts and familiar faces of staff and students in the world of public school education--that world that took me outside of myself and consumed the bulk of my time and physical and creative energy for 30 years. I don't want to go back to it, but I haven't yet found that which will replace it. In the interim, I am taking time, as Robert Raines suggests in his book A Time to Live,
"to explore our work, which not only takes most of our waking hours and energy, but also is a major vehicle for our creativity and a container of our identity" and to "re-imagine our work life as we make our way through the passage of the elder season."
Despite the occasional loneliness and disconnectedness, I enjoy the solace afforded by those uncommitted hours. It is time that is conducive to reading, writing, thinking, and journeying inward to places inside my head and heart that I could not or did not visit in the years when the noise and distraction and demands of the work world crowded out any space in my life for contemplation and reflection. My life was clearly out of balance and I am now realizing how much I missed by failing to carve out more time to nurture my inner life of introspection and personal growth. Right now, I'm making up for lost opportunities in that area, along with cleaning and organizing and checking off items on my to-do list.
I am aware that this hiatus could become a self-serving and selfish endeavor if the journey inward does not propel me toward the outward journey of seeking deeper relationships through service to others and through embracing causes and issues related to making the world a better place. I will have to be careful not to stay in this place exclusively for too long. But for now, it is a good place to be and I intend to make the best of it.
In my first blog on July 16, I stated that my goal for the Retirement Project is to find meaning and happiness in what Robert Raines refers to as "The Elder Season." As I write, I recognize that this Retirement Project is not simply about cleaning out and organizing the drawers and closets of my physical space. It is as well about getting to work on the dust and cobwebs that have formed through years of neglect of my spiritual abode.
My Retirement Project is ultimately about clearing away the clutter and debris in all aspects of my life. It is about getting down to my core values and beliefs and possessions, and about deciding what is really important to take with me through this elder passage, and what is extraneous or simply extra baggage that needs to be abandoned or given away.
Both literally and metaphorically speaking, I have a mountain of stuff to sort through before getting my house in order. It is hard and lonely work to do at times, but I am convinced, that in the end, this Retirement Project will be well worth the effort in launching me toward a full and meaningful life in the elder season.
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