Retirement: A Journey not a Destination

For the past year, I have neglected my blog to complete a book about my transition into retirement. After numerous edits, revisions, and deletions, I succeeded in self-publishing Retirement:  A Journey not a Destination, which is now available on Amazon.com in Kindle format, as well as in paperback.  

The book is my response to the question that everyone I know has asked me, in one form or another, since I retired from a thirty-year career in public school education:  "What exactly are you doing now that you have all that free time?"  For those who really want to know, I highly recommend the book.

However, if you are at the age where your palms begin to sweat and you have the urge to change the subject whenever the topic of retirement is mentioned, this book is especially written with you in mind! Regardless of age, if you are facing a major transition in life and you are apprehensive about how you will manage the change creatively and with purpose, this book will offer encouragement and assurance. 

Read more about the book at
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=katherine+P.+Stillerman

Back to the Retirement Project

In the past month, I have neglected writing my blog, but I have accomplished a number of the goals that I set back in September.

I am proud to report that I am slowly but surely winning the battle of the bulge that I wrote about in November.  I made it through the Christmas holidays without losing ground and am now almost 10 pounds lighter than I was when I started on November 27.  I have been using the free website at http://www.everydayhealth.com  to record my food intake and exercise and I find that it keeps me focused and on task most of the time. 

Regarding my writing goals, I have drafted about 30 pages of memoir about my grandmother "Nonnie" and have shared it with my cousin Beth, who had lots of good suggestions and some added tidbits about our grandmother told from the perspective of one who lived under the same roof with her for most of her childhood.  I'm sticking with it right now as memoir, but as colorful as Nonnie was, the material could easily be used to develop a fictional character loosely based on her life.  My hope is to finish the memoir and then build on that body of work to launch into some fiction writing. 

I've been looking for just the right creative writing class to join--maybe at Wake or at Salem--to help in honing my writing skills, but have not located just what I want yet.  In searching the web for opportunities in the area of writing, I discovered that there are numerous free classes offered on line from many of the most prestigious universities. 

While exploring the catalog of titles, I got completely sidetracked by an Old Testament survey course offered by Yale Divinity School  ( http://oyc.yale.edu/religious-studies) .  The professor is a woman named Christine Hayes, and she has developed 24 lectures on the Old Testament that are available in transcript, audio, and video.  I began reading the lectures and then watching them, and I couldn't pry myself away.  I spent almost two weeks working my way through the material, stopping just long enough to make the bed, clean the dishes, and get dinner on before Bill came home at night. 

I have now started on the course entitled New Testament History and Literature, which is taught by Dale Martin, also of Yale Divinity School.  His course is equally interesting.  Robert has lent me his study bible to assist in following along with the readings.  It has been ages since I have done any systematic study of the Bible--probably as far back as the Old and New Testament courses I took at Furman. I think once I did try to work my way through LD Johnson's book on covering the Bible in a year, but never made it too far past Genesis. 

Everything I've gotten over the years in Sunday School and church is so random and unconnected.  The result is that there is a whole play list of scriptures stored up there in the I-tunes section of my brain and it's like somebody put them on shuffle before they pressed the play button. That's actually how I listened to the audio tape of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone some years back.  I commented to Todd that the book made no sense at all the way it kept jumping around.  Todd just shook his head and said, "Mom, you probably have it on shuffle."  Indeed I did, and what a difference it made when I discovered the shuffle button and turned it off.  That's somewhat how I feel now, listening to these lectures.  It's like somebody took the scriptures off shuffle for me. 

At any rate, that's how I've spent all my free time the last few weeks and why my writing has not progressed much.  I'm discovering that one of the delicious things about retirement is that you can get off track and explore interesting pathways that present themselves, and it's perfectly okay. 

I also decided to volunteer one day a week at Crisis Control Ministries, interviewing clients to establish the basis of their emergency and to determine if they meet the criteria for assistance.  Crisis Control operates a pharmacy and a grocery store, and has funds to  help with rent, utilities, and medication  for clients who need emergency assistance.  Bill and I have donated to Crisis Control for years and have been aware of the significant role the organization plays in the life of the community, but I had never spent any time there. 

For three mornings last week, I shadowed an experienced interviewer and learned about the intake and application process.  Monday, I will shadow a lead interviewer or supervisor who signs off on the applications, as well as approves assistance and writes checks, and have my final training with Cynthia Fearrington, who is the Director of Client Services.  I've enjoyed getting re-acquainted with Cynthia, who is also the mother of Matt, one of John Stillerman's friends from grade school.  We have reminisced a lot about the hours we spent out at the Little League park on Phillips Bridge Road, watching the boys and catching up on the gossip since the last season.

I finally succeeded in keeping lunch dates with two of my favorite people--my sister Betsy and my long time friend from Charlotte days, Carol Huffman.  Betsy and I met a week ago Thursday and got pedicures and then visited over lunch.  Carol and I met at Davidson last Tuesday and it was such a pretty sunny day, we ate our pannini and soup on the porch of a great Italian restaurant called Campania.  One thing that's so great is that it doesn't matter how much time has passed, when I get with Betsy or Carol, we can take up just where we left off last time 

January was a busy month and also one of great loss.  As I move forward with my retirement project, I am periodically hit with the reality of David's death and the huge hole he leaves in the lives of all our family. David was too young and we lost him too soon.  Life is fleeting and precious and we will do well in the relatively short time that it is ours to embrace it and all of those around us. David certainly did that, as evidenced by the outpouring of love and support on his behalf during his short illness and as he was memorialized. 

My retirement project makes more sense than ever in the light of what has happened the past two months and I am eager to continue my journey for happiness and meaning in my elder season. 

David Stillerman 1/31/1944--1/4/2012

On January 3, David had a stroke from which he could not recover.  He died peacefully and without pain on January 4, surrounded by his loving wife Carol and his children.  He was memorialized by family and numerous friends on January 7, at the First Presbyterian Church in Covington, Georgia. 

David's passing has created a huge hole in the lives of all who knew and loved him.  He is dearly missed. 

Venturing into the New Year

I have totally abandoned my blogging exercises in the past month, partially due to being preoccupied with preparation for the Christmas season, but mostly to take in and process the news about one who is near and dear to us--news that has rocked our whole family to the core. David Stillerman was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer and a tumor blocking the inferior vena cava on December 10. 

Ironically, Bill and I were on our way down to Atlanta for an early Christmas celebration with Mom when we got the news.  We were set to have dinner in Fayetteville with the brothers and sisters, and some of our favorite cousins, Roy and Fern, who are Uncle Harry's children, and Roy's wife Candee.  The three of them had flown in from Plymouth, Mass and Richmond, Va. and were staying in Jane and Jim Stoakes' home. 

Jim Stillerman called just as we were leaving the house to inform us of David's diagnosis and to suggest that we go directly to the hospital instead of  his and Pam's house in Social Circle, where we had planned to spend the night as well as ride together to Fayetteville. 

Jim told Bill that they would schedule surgery for David as soon as possible at Decalb Medical Center in Atlanta.  He was certain that the kidney would need to be removed and was extremely concerned about the tumor in the vein and the delicate nature of dealing with that without throwing a clot.  At that time, he felt relatively confident that the cancer had not spread and was hoping that a few suspicious spots on the liver could be dealt with during surgery.  Jim would fill us in on the details once David and Carol met with the specialists later on in the morning. 

Bill got off the phone and we hurried to get on our way.  We rode in shocked silence almost to Charlotte, wanting to get there but dreading what in the world we would say to David and Carol.  We were completely rocked by the news and could not imagine how much more devastated they must be.  My cell phone rang and it was David himself, calling to let us know he was being released from the hospital, and directing us to go to Jim and Pam's  house as planned.  He sounded strong and upbeat and, in that vintage take-charge David style, said that he had been cleared to go home and was planning on attending the dinner in Fayetteville that night. 

We arrived in Social Circle in mid afternoon at Jim and Pam's lovely home, all decorated out for the season and smelling of spices and Christmas goodies.   Over cups of coffee brewed from their new Keurig, we visited and barraged Jim with questions about next steps for David's treatment as well as his mental outlook.  Jim said that David had reacted practically and pragmatically.  He simply wanted to know if the specialists could remove the kidney and get the tumor in the vein.  When they answered affirmatively, he was ready to get on with it and get the job done. 

David did not want to know a lot a details and procedures.  Meg, on the other hand, asked numerous questions and inquired about every detail of what the medical team would be doing for her dad.  In the days to come, she created a Caring Bridge web site and has faithfully posted updates about David's progress in clear, layman's terms.  The postings have been a real godsend to the family and the many friends who are so eager for current news. 

We were anxious about David trying to do too much on his release from the hospital, but Jim assured us that his going to the dinner posed little risk and would probably be good for him.  As it turned out, it was a wonderfully therapeutic evening for all of us and just the kind of Christmas gift we all needed. 

David and Carol joined us at Jim and Pam's around 5:00 pm so that we could all go together down to Fayetteville.  Despite all the chaos that she had been thrown into hours earlier, Carol had baked an apple pie to take to the dinner.  She was, as always, her sweet calm self, and instantly put us all at ease with her gracious, loving manner. 

Bill and I offered to drive our car to keep from having to be too crowded, but Jim insisted on our all going together.  We were able to get all the presents, Carol's pie and Pam's appetizer and vegetable dish, plus the 7 of us into their spacious Cadillac SUV.  Pam and Tom volunteered to sit in the third seat, with Bill, Carol, and I in the middle, and David in front with Jim driving.  It was the first time in years we had all been together without all of the kids and grand kids.  We had such a good time all cuddled up together, cocooned in Jim and Pam's luxury car.  We talked and laughed all the way from Covington to Fayetteville and it seemed like no time at all before the hour long trip was over. 

Jane and Jim and Mom had prepared a delicious dinner of flank steak and twice baked potatoes, rolls, and salad with greens from their garden.  Paired with Pam's fresh green beans and Carol's apple pie topped with ice cream,  we enjoyed a perfect pre-Christmas meal.  We all sat around the dining room table and reminisced about Christmases past and the good times our families had together when we would gather at Mom and Dad's home for the holiday season.

As always, Mom looked pretty and festive in her Christmas sweater, and was equal to the task of leading us in the traditional "Mushy Moments with Margie" where we all shared our special Christmas memories.  It was a serendipity to have Roy and Candee and Fern among us.  For a few hours, time was suspended, and we all soaked up the love and fellowship that is always present when families take time to be together.  Too soon  we would all have to get back to reality and the difficult challenge ahead for David.  But for a little while, we took respite in one another and drew strength from our joy in being together. 

I will always appreciate that evening as a precious Christmas gift come early from David and Carol.  The two of them had just been given crushing news earlier in the day.  David was facing serious surgery and the fight of his life.  Both of them had every reason to withdraw, shut the world out, and take time to deal with the news in private.  Instead, they reacted with their typical faith and courage, gracing us all with their presence for dinner, and giving us all the opportunity to be with them and draw strength from them and from one another.

David's surgery took place on December 21.  The surgeons were able to remove the kidney and spleen, but not the tumor from the vena cava, which had grown too far into the vein to take out without being life threatening.  The biopsy on the spots from the liver indicated that the cancer had not spread.  Although the news was not positive in terms of curing the cancer, the family was encouraged when they met with the oncologist, who outlined further treatment to contain the spreading of the tumor on the vena cava. 

David improved rapidly from the surgery and was making excellent progress until December 24, when he threw a blood clot, causing him to aspirate into his lungs. Since that time he has been in critical condition in ICU. 

David has such a zest for life that he will fight to rebound from this recent setback.  He and Carol have the love and support of their children, their family, and a multitude of friends who are in constant prayer for his recovery. 

Christmas has been a bitter-sweet season for the Stillerman family this year. Even so, we have all experienced once again deeply and poignantly the love and joy and peace of God come down to earth to be with us and to sustain us.

Remembering Bob

Bob Poerschke
 (Taken at Audrey and Nick's wedding)

November 4, 1918--December 3, 2010

I'm thinking of Daddy and missing him especially as the anniversary of his death approaches.  I'm grateful for his 92 years and for all the wonderful memories that remain. 

Winning the Battle of the Bulge

For the most part, I've been pleased with how my Retirement Project is progressing.  My attempt to sift through all of the excess baggage and get down to the basics has been paying off.  Most of the drawers and closets in our house are much less cluttered now, and have taken on a definite order about them. Bill commented the other day that he could not believe how nice it was to have the extra space and to find things in their places instead of having to rummage through piles of unrelated items to find a screw driver or a roll of tape or a flashlight. 

The rental space with Daddy's things still looms large; but, even that seems like a manageable task, since I made contact with Suzette, at Shred It, who assures me that all I have to do is call her by Friday and she'll have the truck come to the door of the storage unit on any given Tuesday.   The "shred monster" will destroy about a box a minute, paper clips and all.  It will even eat small three ring binders. 

I've checked the timeline for my Retirement Project action plan and find that I am right on track with all of my goals.  Aside from all of the cleaning and organizing, I'm continuing to blog on a regular basis, have completed a set of poems about my grand children, and am making good progress on a memoir of my grandmother that I've been working on for some time now.  I've also started attending a Sunday School class, and am trying to re-establish relationships at church.

I was beginning to feel  as proud of my progress as a first grader who just got a smiley face or a gold star from the teacher for my work.  And then, as I was becoming all smug and righteous about my accomplishments, I ran smack dab into that old brick wall I've been running into for years--my own personal baggage, my weight.   Regardless of what I do, I seem to reach a plateau above my ideal weight and then gain and lose the same 2-3 pounds over and over.  My "Battle of the Bulge" has been ongoing for as long as I can remember.  I've managed to win a number of skirmishes, but have never succeeded in permanently winning the war. 

When  I  stepped on the scale recently, after several days of redoubling my efforts to exercise more and eat less, I was once again confronted with the dreaded 2 pound gain instead of the 3 pound loss I'd hoped for.  It could easily have been temporary water gain or my body trying to adjust to the new regimen; but, I did not persevere long enough to prove or disprove either theory.  Instead, I allowed the soggy weight of defeat to submerge my resolve and dampen my mood. I made a quick trip to the stash of Halloween candy I was "only keeping around for the grandchildren" and helped myself to the rest of the miniature Twix bars. 

Regret and self-reproach followed the "mini" candy binge as I bid goodbye to the prospect of getting back into my "skinny wardrobe" any time soon.  I continued my pity party throughout the weekend to the point that Bill asked me several times if there was anything wrong.  I said I just didn't feel very well, and I actually was fighting a pretty bad chest cold.  But the truth is, it was all about the yo-yo weight gain.  Had the scale given me the news I wanted, I would have been energized and motivated, and ready to move the world.  As it was, I felt heavy and dull and unattractive; and, it was all over 2 little pounds.  There is simply nothing that drags me down like gaining weight.  So, why in the world do I go on fighting the battle of the bulge?  Why can't I figure out a way to win the war and be done with it?

By  Monday, I had finished wallowing in my self-pity and was ready to pick myself up and begin again.  I did the only thing I knew to do: make a new plan and try to follow it.  I considered trying something drastic like resolving to lose 5 pounds quick by going on that dreadful cabbage soup diet for a week. And then I remembered that the last time I did that,  I got sick of it by the third day and ended up with no pounds lost and a gallon of cabbage soup in the refrigerator.  Besides, all the  diet research I've ever read clearly shows that successful weight loss results from life long changes in eating rather than a sprint to drop a few pounds just to gain them back. 

They say that people don't perform up to expectation for two basic reasons:  either they can't do it because they lack the skills or knowledge, or they won't do it because they lack the motivation or will.  I can't plead guilty to lack of knowledge in failing to  meet my expected weight loss goals.  I have spent so many hours reading books and articles on diet and nutrition, in hopes of finding a quick fix to my weight problem, that I could have gotten a degree in it. No, my failure to lose weight is not because I can't do it.  It is obviously because I won't do it.  Motivation or will, then, is what stands in the way.

I decided to begin again by starting with the basics and building my new weight loss plan on proven principles of diet and nutrition. I made a list of Diet Do's and committed to the short term goal of losing at least 10 pounds, reducing my waist size to 34 inches, and getting my BMI down below 27. 

Diet Do's
1. DO keep a food diary of everything I eat
2. DO use a pedometer to track my exercise and walk at least 1200 steps per day.
3. DO reduce my food intake by at least 200 calories per day.
4. DO eliminate sugar
5. DO eat lots of lean protein
6. DO eat 2 servings of fruit per day
7. DO eat at least 3 servings of vegetables a day
8. DO eat small meals
9. DO have planned snacks
10.DO drink plenty of water

I found a site similar to the Weight Watcher's web site, only it's free, where you can track weight, record food intake, track exercise, and get support in the form of recipes and diet suggestions. There is also the option of posting progress on Facebook and signing up with a buddy. The address is http://www.everydayhealth.com . I'll be using that to track my progress. Not so sure about the buddy and the posting on Facebook yet, but maybe I'll decide to do that later. 

I was ready to begin my new lifestyle change when my chest cold got worse and I started feeling absolutely awful.  I ended up going to the doctor for an antibiotic and remained under the weather for several days.  Needless to say, that delayed my plans, as I am not one of those lucky ones to lose weight when I'm sick.   Instead,  I tend to seek comfort food, which is usually heavy on dairy fat and empty carbs.  My recovery took me into Thanksgiving weekend, which as anyone knows, is not the ideal time to start a new diet regimen. 

Monday, November 28 is now the official date for starting the plan that will ultimately lead to the end of a yo-yo dieting syndrome and a slimmer and healthier me.  This time, I plan to win the battle of the bulge for good.   I'll keep you posed on how things work out.

Grandchildren

Charlotte, Henry, Will, Mattie, Andy, and Jack

Wrightsville Beach, Summer 2011

It’s hard to believe that there could be any creature more amazing than your own child.  You live with that certainty for years, and then one day a grandchild comes along and deepens  your understanding of what “amazing” really is.   Your very own child is your heart. The child of your very own child is the heart of your heart.  Watching him or her is watching your child again for the first time. What you see is so familiar and similar and yet so unique and new.  The baby is like a prism, through which myriad family traits refract and bend and reveal themselves- grandpa’s chin, mama’s eyes, daddy’s furrowed brow, sister’s fair complexion, brother’s temper.  The light shifts; the view is altered; the baby grows and changes and amazes. 

These little rhymes reflect a tiny spec of what I see in the prisms that are my grandchildren, viewed through the eyes of a grandmother.   Each continues to grow and change and yet each remains child of my child, heart of my heart. 

CHARLOTTE RAE When Charlotte Rae comes out to play She wears a smile that spreads a mile Across her face. Charlotte Rae with eyes of blue And hair bow just a bit askew Will melt your heart When she grins at you. Charlotte has a button nose And likes to wiggle all her toes. She thinks it is a special treat To kick her socks right off her feet. Charlotte’s patient, Charlotte’s kind But she will surely speak her mind If Henry hugs a bit too tight Or she wakes up hungry in the night. Charlotte Rae is one big flirt She bats her eyes and swishes her skirt, And causes all the little boys To turn their heads and drop their toys. Charlotte Rae will have some fun But she’ll let you know when she is done. After all, She’s almost one. JOHN WILSON John Wilson, or Jack, as he is known Can talk to you like he is grown. He’ll point his finger and explain In terms so clear and words so plain. With his dark brown eyes and furrowed brow I forget for the moment, I don’t know how, That in spite of the way he speaks to me This little boy is only three. Jack likes to help and he’ll work hard At daddy’s side to mow the yard. He shops with mother at the store And likes to do most any chore. He plays with his toys around the house And watches Handy Manny and Mickey Mouse. He hangs out with little brother Andy And he loves Skittles and M and M candy. Here’s a secret you should know: Jack likes his serious side to show; But, if you tickle him he’ll giggle, Laugh out loud, and start to wiggle. That is when I’ll steal my hug From this little cuddle bug. WILLIAM TODD, JR. Will Stillerman will soon turn 4; He’s not a baby anymore. He’s learned his letters and his numbers too, And he can count anything out for you. Will is strong and he is fast! Watch him speed as he runs past All the other kids of three, And four, and five and six…and me! Will lights up whenever you play Any song by Roger Day. He’ll sing out loud that “It’s a no-no For anyone to kiss a Rhino.” Will ‘s  a good sport and likes to play. He’s happy to do things Mattie’s way; But if his heart is just not in it, He’ll tell you “No” in a Texas minute.  Will is sweet and he is shy. He’ll duck his head and cock his eye. When he peers through tousled bangs at me, I hug him tight and wish he’d stay three.

ANDERSON THOMAS Anderson who just turned one Can crawl as fast as I can run. His honey curls and eyes so bright Will make you want to squeeze him tight; But, you had better hold him fast And get some kisses while they last, Before he’s off across the floor To find more places to explore. Andy is a man of action In his bare feet he gets traction. Up to lofty heights he goes Which keeps his mother on her toes. Andy’s busy as can be. He has no time to humor me; But, I will steal a little hug As he speeds by me on the rug. Andy’s calm and sweet and fair, With rosy cheeks and curly hair. Come on in and take a peep, Little Andy is asleep. HENRY KENDRICK Henry Kendrick could win a prize With his long thick lashes and his big blue eyes. He’s three years old and smart as can be, And he always has a hug for me. Henry’s learned his songs and stories by heart. He can tell them to you from finish to start. One’s a Halloween tale with moans and groans, And a refrain to “ shake, shake, shake them bones!” School is a place that Henry enjoys. He likes to play with the girls and boys. Amanda is his best “gril” friend And he’s faithful to her to the end. But he’s glad to come home at the end of the day, To Momma and Daddy and Charlotte Rae. And when dinner is over and stories are read, He’ll cuddle up with Teddy and go to bed. Henry is tender and he is kind And even when he forgets to mind All you have to do is ask And he will get right back on task. MATTIE KATHERINE Mattie Katherine has it made. She’s just tuned seven and is in first grade. She’s good at soccer and choir and ballet And does her homework every day. She loves her teacher and her friends at school And tries to follow every rule. She is learning to count and read and write And studies about Egypt and the stars in the night. Mattie’s heart is made of gold. She cares about others who are hungry and cold. She walks for hunger and does all she can To help the world and her fellow (wo)man. Mattie knows how to act and dress Like one of Disney’s Princesses. She likes Snow White and Rapunzel and Belle But her all-time favorite is Ariel. Mattie has green eyes that twinkle and glow And a smile so warm it could melt the snow. She’s growing up, that’s plain to see But she’ll always have a hug for her E-Dad and me.